Start working with the women in your life, rather than against them - about DV and coping with the aftermath

I have been very quiet of late. I stayed in a relationship for too long, which ended last year.

Also at the end of last year, my dear cousin lost his life at just 34. I have moved back in with my parents, I’m still waiting for the property that I own with my ex to be sorted. So in terms of my living situation, I’ve been trapped living in limbo since September last year. One of my daughters has been diagnosed with a medical condition that I still don’t properly understand.

And most recently, the thing that has really tipped me over the edge, into being on 2 weeks of stress leave, is witnessing a dear friend be physically assaulted by a male known to myself. Who I was not aware would be there. If I had of known, I wouldn’t have gone. This male has verbally threatened me in the past. What was equally as disturbing is that another male who was friends with myself and my friend (needless to say, is no longer considered a friend) was in the room and watched the whole thing go down, and just stood there… didn’t say a word while I was screaming for it to stop. He didn’t say a thing, and didn’t move from where he was to assist my friend.

So now I am on stress leave, reliving the thing over and over, typing this at 12:30am after doing an entity release breathwork session. Because I can’t sleep. I cant stop thinking about how terrible I feel for my friend being in that situation, how scared I was that she was going to be seriously injured, and how come the perpetrators of violence against women always seem to get away with it, while the women are left picking up the pieces days, weeks, even years later. Yes years. One of my friends is still undergoing complicated dental procedures from damage sustained from domestic violence from over 10 years ago. Do you think her abuser is helping her pay for that? Course not. Her teeth will never be the same. He most likely has no idea of what she’s going through after what he did to her all those years ago.

So for me, I had to call in sick to work at a hair salon on a Saturday (the day after the attack on my friend). I think about all of the clients this has put out. My lovely bosses and manager taking action after I sent them all a vague text briefly explaining why I couldn’t go in. Then my weekend went by in a blur. Fortunately, my kids were with their dad so they didn’t have to see me in such a state.

Mothers day was on the Sunday. I had tears in my eyes looking at the plants at the nursery I decided to get my mother a present from, cried in the car, then cried again when my children greeted me with a bouquet of flowers when I picked them up from their dads.

When we got home they were so excited to give me their present. I was not present while I was opening it. I made the noises and said the things but I am very aware that I was not present in my body like I wish I could have been. They put so much effort in. At the mothers day bbq in the afternoon I didn’t feel right, and this was an afternoon that I was supposed to be celebrating my mother and daughters.

Monday morning I got up for work and just couldn’t keep the tears out of my eyes, and realised that there was no way I could go and talk to anyone. So I rang my boss, who was understanding and amazing and I asked for two weeks off to get myself together.

I booked in with my GP, my psychologist, and made myself a vague plan for how I would spend the two weeks with equal parts resting and constructive things to make myself feel better.

I wonder how many of the people in this abusers life were put out by his actions against my friend? Did he need 2 weeks of stress leave? How did it affect his family commitments on the weekend? How did this affect his workplace and co workers? How many clients had to be moved around and inconvenienced in his life because of what he did? Is he worrying that clients might not book in with him again because as understanding as people are, they don't like their appointments being moved?

Did he go to his GP? Has he booked in with his psychologist to work on his temper and triggers? Or was he doing his normal day to day convincing himself that my friend was the issue and his actions were justified? Most likely the latter.

When I think about all of the effort I am putting into healing and making sure I’m ok following something I didn’t even do, I wonder if these violent men put in even half of the effort that myself, and the women who I know who have experienced violence at the hands of men, and if they did would that change our countries DV stats?

Now I’m not perfect. I definitely get a hit of evil satisfaction thinking how nice it would be to make these abusers suffer. And then I started to think about why do I want them to suffer. And I think its because of the pain they inflict seemingly so carelessly. Its in the unfairness of how our society lets them get away with it and women are told to stop being so emotional and get on with it. Its because what they have done has damaged my self worth and my sense of safety, taken my ability to make my own life choices in that moment, meant that I’ve had to change course and take extra action to deal with the consequences of their choices, its activated feelings of wrath for me. Feelings of wrath are linked to losing a sense of self. Of losing your personal power.

When I did my yoga for trauma training we learned about how victims of trauma often lose a sense of power and control in their own lives, as a result from having their choices taken away from them in those traumatic moments. They did not choose the situation. I didn’t chose this. My friend certainly didn’t. The male abuser did. He chose to assault my friend. He chose violence over calm and peace.

Why cant these abusers identify what they are lacking, figure out what they need to do to to fill that void in themselves, and DO THAT instead of hurting others?

What on earth is driving these men who harm women and how can they help themselves to stop?

Has anyone ever put that question to them?

What the hells going on? What is the deal with that? Weren’t they taught in school or growing up as children not to hit? Not to use their physical strength to cause harm? Especially to those who are smaller and less strong? Are people being told not to pick on someone their own size still or is that irrelevant if the other person is a woman?

Do the abusers lose income from taking time off work to deal with the trauma from the abuse? Do they have to fork out to pay to go to GP and then their psychologist to deal with it? Do they have to worry about the impact taking stress leave will have on their career? Are they also expected to carry the lions share of the weight of their household (mental and physical load) and childcare afterwards?

Are they going to go and complain to their mates about how ‘emotional’ women are for taking time off for stress leave while they ‘tough’ it out not realising that the anger that has driven their abuse is an emotion too?

I know when I became a single mum I was dealing with the trauma of what had happened to me, plus running the entire household, looking after a baby and pregnant with my second child, I had to just get on with it. I was yang energy personified. I felt like I had to prove that I was capable, and I did. I surprised myself with how I got through that. Did I punch anyone in the face because I was emotionally struggling? No.

I know I take very good care of myself. I exercise every day, see a PT, use the far infa red sauna, eat well (mostly), have a great psychologist, enjoy hanging out with my dog, spend quality time with friends, my children, my family, my favourite physical goal at the moment is working on handstands, I love getting out into nature, going out dancing with my friends, going to music festivals, I use essential oils, and of course my beloved tarot and astrology for inner work and reflection, as well as reading. I have great jobs that I love, bosses and co workers who are all awesome. Every single person who I choose to be in my life makes me feel safe and encourages me to be the best version of me.

I also work on making myself feel safe and strong and secure every day. Every day I work on learning how to be a better version of myself and think about how I can improve aspects of my life, not just for me, but for the others around me. Being a good person for my loved ones improves my life as well. The quality of our relationships has a direct impact on the quality of our lives.

I am 100% blaming abusers for their actions, what they do is not ok. Abuse and violence are not and will never be ok.

I realise, that while I am not responsible for the abuse that has caused my trauma, that working on healing it and staying on track to becoming the best version of myself that I can be is MY responsibility. I am not relying on them to heal me.

So what I want to know is, are they seeking help as well? And if not, WHY not? Why is it so ok for these abusive men to harm women and continue doing it over and over again, bitch and moan about how emotional women are, carry on about women being gold diggers and whatever other things they can think of and then get angry (forgetting that anger is an emotion too) and beat up another woman again, use physical force to get their own way, blame the women, and continue?

The women I know are working so hard on healing the trauma inflicted upon them by these abusive males. Yet these males seem to just sail on through finding fresh victim after fresh victim to blame for the abuse that they are dishing out… all because they cant seem to figure out how to regulate their emotions, or even realise that that is a thing. And I know men who are excellent at regulating their emotions. I am blessed to know many absolutely beautiful men. So I know it can be done. And I know that people can change. They can grow. They can learn.

I know for a fact that if any of the abusers I have had in my life had of come to me with whatever problem that was festering that caused such a massive emotional outburst I would have done what I could of to of helped them. There is always a calm and constructive way to figure things out.

Even if both of you have to do a bit of mental gymnastics to see the other persons point of view IT CAN BE DONE. Every single woman that I know who has been in this position would say the same. I am more than happy to assist men in identifying their shadows and triggers and how to channel them into a more constructive outlet. I have had a couple of lovely clients for readings who are men and I am grateful for them doing the work, and hope that they encourage other men to do the same, be it with me or with a psychologist or any other practitioner that they align with.

Not only is the abuse these males dish out corrosive, harmful and draining the life force out of the people around them, its stopping them from experiencing true depth in relationships, and from fully stepping into their personal power. The very thing that they think is making them powerful, is rendering them weak, keeping them emasculated, and depriving them of the strength and capacity to actually take effective action. It makes them seem entitled, without having to actually work for what they fight for, and taking it out on women who are the physically weaker sex… says it all really.

Inaction is just as corrosive as the abuse. Maybe even more so, because it enables abusers to do what they are doing, and indirectly gives them permission to continue. It creates ripples into our society that violence and abuse are ok. They are not.

Stop hurting us.

Stop raping us.

Stop hitting us.

Stop threatening us.

Stop using your physical strength as a weapon to get your own way.

And for the love of god please stop killing us.

Start working with the women in your life rather than against them.

And if you cant do that, you can fuck right off.